Northern California Life Update

It has been almost two months since I arrived in Portola, California for a life-changing adventure. Saying it’s “life-changing” may sound dramatic but my time and experiences here have already begun to have a pretty heavy impact on everything I do. As time continues to pass, I am having some realizations.

I decided to write letters to some friends and family. One reason is because I just really enjoy giving and receiving something in the mail that obviously took time out of someone’s day just to show how much they care, especially compared to the quick and easy messages we often exchange with each other through Facebook or texting. Another reason is that it reminds me of how many people I have in my life that care about me and that I wish to continue to stay in touch with, even if I’m literally on the other side of the country. With everything that has been going through my mind lately, it’s refreshing to write all of my thoughts and feelings out on paper and know that the person who reads them will be able to offer me comfort, advice, or both.

As much as I have been enjoying my job as a science instructor at an outdoor school facility, it hasn’t been easy to stay focused and interested as consistently as I’d like. Last week, I had a pretty rough group, and it set me back a few steps. The students weren’t as bad as others I have worked with in the past in different settings, but the group was the first that challenged my ability to be an effective facilitator, someone who needs to set clear expectations at the beginning and follow through with consequences for those who choose not to follow them. I’ve never liked to be the bad guy, and giving strikes to students reminds me too much of classroom teaching, which is perhaps why I have trouble sometimes doing such a thing. I’d like to be able to get better at showing my students how to have fun while also having them maintain a proper and expected behavior during their time with me, and I know it’s going to only take practice, as well as some helpful feedback from my supervisors and co-workers.

To help myself renew my excitement in the lessons and put more of my own style into them, I’m thinking of trying to find out more about herpetology and the potential for a lesson around it to be done in this area. I’m extremely passionate about animals and teaching kids about them, and I had no idea how much I would miss that until I gave it up. For anyone that knows me, they are also aware of my love for reptiles and amphibians, the often overlooked and misunderstood creatures that actually play super important roles in an ecosystem. If I could take kids out to a pond at night and have them catch frogs or look for salamander eggs, I’d be extremely proud. I know there is the chance that something like this may not happen here and now, but I’m glad that it’s something I’ve finally realized is important to me.

Aside from work and school, which I have decided I’d like to pick back up again in the fall, I seem to be struggling with my social life here. I love the people I work with because they’re a family both in and out of the workplace, partially because we do all actually live with each other as well. However, I can’t help but fall into these holes where I have the opportunity to hang out with someone and choose not to or I get restless with no reliable means of going on an adventure by myself. I’ve never been an extrovert and living with the only people I have as friends here can be challenging because, when I don’t want to hang out, it’s not always easy to find alone time or express that I’m not avoiding anyone in particular but that I just need time to myself. Sometimes, the smallest things can set me off, too, and I will be fine one moment and then completely lose interest in any kind of social interactions the very next. It’s hard because I don’t know what I’d do without the people I have here, but I also need to figure out the correct balance between social time and me time.

As April comes to an end and summer gets closer, I hope that I’m able to continue enjoying my time here and that I’ll hear back from some of my friends and family elsewhere.

California

About three weeks ago, I was casually browsing the internet for jobs within the environmental education field. I wasn’t looking for anything specific. As I scrolled down the page of a website, something caught my eye. A posting had been made for an outdoor science instructor at a place in Northern California. I knew nothing about this place, and I didn’t have any real urge to move across the country. However, the position sounded amazing, and I knew that there could be no harm in simply applying.

A few days later, I received an e-mail asking for a phone interview. Needless to say, I was surprised but also really excited. While I hadn’t been thinking at all about relocating to California, I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity. I had also been reading about Sierra Nevada Journeys, the facility I would be working for, and I was falling in love.

Following the first interview, I had to wait and find out if they would ask me for a second one. A week went by, and I received another e-mail that asked for the next phone interview. I felt that I had gone through the second one much better, getting across all the reasons I thought I should be hired. Finally, it was time to play the waiting game.

I drove myself mad thinking about what the outcome might be. On Wednesday, January 27th, I received an e-mail. Although I was anticipating it to be their decision, it ended up simply being an apology that they were delayed and would be in touch the following evening. Eventually, I got to open the e-mail I was waiting for. They had decided to offer me the position. For the rest the night, I was on cloud nine. I could barely sleep. Now that it is starting to settle in, I can admit a few things.

I’m terrified. I’ll be going to a new place, working with new people, and living somewhere far away from home. It won’t be the first time I’ve done that, but this will be the longest period of time for it. For almost 9 months, I’ll be serving as a Residential Outdoor Science Instructor, working with summer camps, school groups, community leadership groups, and groups with special needs. Housing will be provided, and I’ll be receiving a daily salary, which is more than I could have hoped for. What I have to do now is actually prepare myself for it all.

Other than a couple family members and close friends, the first person I told about this job possibility was my boyfriend. Months ago, Drew almost ended up working in California, and I remember dreading the idea. Ironically, I’m about to do the same, albeit the position is short-term. The idea of being so far away from him for such a long period of time is not exciting to think about at all. It worries me and scares me, and I wish he could go with me, but I am beyond words grateful for the support he has given me, encouraging me and crossing his fingers that I would be offered this job. I’m hoping he will be able to visit, but I am also hoping that both of us will be too busy to think about how far away we’ll actually be from each other. I have faith that we will work it all out, and I couldn’t be more excited to finally spend a Valentine’s Day with someone I love.

Since I’ll be living somewhere so far away from my current location, I’ve been thinking of leaving my car behind for my sister to use. I’m sure she would appreciate it, and it would be one less thing for me to worry about. I’ll have figure out what to bring with me and what to leave behind, probably needing to pack it all since my siblings might relocate from our current apartment. I’ll want to visit my grandma, whom I haven’t seen in far too long but likely won’t be able to see until after I return home. The biggest thing I will have to work out, though, is school. I am currently on break from my spring semester, which makes this a little easier. However, I don’t know yet how I will make my summer semester work or if I will have to take another one off. I know that it isn’t the end of the world if I do since I have up to 5 years to complete the program, but I hope that I might be able to work something out. That was probably what would have kept me from this kind of job, but I have a feeling that this is what I’m meant to do next, and I can’t just pass it by.

I have a little over a month to organize my life and get ready to start the next chapter. I hope I am able to figure out all the details. The most helpful thing is just knowing that I have support from the people I care about, and I’m excited to see where this will take me.

Multiple Lives

Social life. Work life. School life. Sometimes, my different lives are easy to compartmentalize. Other times, they overlap and become a tangled web of confusion and stress. It probably doesn’t help that one aspect of my work life occurs in the same setting as my school life and that my social life basically exists because of my work life. But who wouldn’t want to have the best of all of those worlds at a zoo? I am usually pretty good at not overloading myself. Most of the time, I just make it seem more chaotic in my head than it is in reality. Other times, it can get out of hand before I realize it.

Lately, I find myself rarely satisfied for long. Last night, I spent an amazing time with my friends, letting all of my worries go and having fun. After working a full day, I should be thankful for the free afternoon and evening I have had tonight. Unfortunately, I only seem to be bored. I can’t enjoy alone time as long as I used to, but I don’t always like to be around other people. I get stressed when I think about having to work two jobs, but I can’t imagine what I would do with extra time if one of those jobs didn’t exist. (Or how I would get by without that extra paycheck.) I worry about doing just enough work in my classes to get by, but I procrastinate at every chance I get. I crave social interaction, but I can’t risk sacrificing work or school for more of it. To others, it might seem like I am exaggerating, blowing my life situation out of proportion. But it’s nearly impossible for me to spend more than a few moments not thinking about what it is I should be doing versus what I want to do.

I’m not sure how other people handle having these different aspects of their life. I can say that my group of friends, a group I tend to view as a family, certainly helps me get through some of the rougher days. But I’m afraid that I’m going to push myself too hard and end up crashing and burning. I look forward to the brief break I will have in November, a time when I’ll hopefully get a chance to go on a trip and give my mind a rest. Until then, we’ll see how I get through these next few weeks.

Two Months and Five Days

Since March 6th, my life has been a whirlwind of change. Luckily, it has all been for the better. My position at Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden is slowly giving me valuable experience, as well as mountains of confidence. Just this week, I received compliments from a fellow zoo employee, and I can’t get over how great it has made me feel.

Part of my job includes giving chats about specific animals on exhibit to the general public that wishes to stop and listen. The chats are scripted but can be made into one’s own. One of my chats is for Seyia, our 5 year old black rhino. Seyia goes through a training session during the chat, and I had been observing keepers during the training while I translated it to the public. One of these past days, a supervisor of mine was listening. At the end, she gave me some feedback. Another person did as well. While I assumed (up until yesterday) that the two women working with Seyia are both keepers, one is actually the Curator of Animal Development & Training, and she was able to give me great inside information on Seyia. Her intention was to give me different things to talk about during the chat that would make the public connect with Seyia and feel close to her by learning more about her as an individual. When I got the chance to go through the chat again, I put in as much of the feedback as I could that I had received from both my supervisor and the curator. Later on, another of my supervisors read a message given to her by the curator, describing my chat as the best black rhino one she has heard. I told myself she was exaggerating, but that was more to mask a silly smile from being on my face all day. To be given feedback and compliments such as that gives me a feeling of importance, a sense that I am doing my job right. Of course, being told it was perfect that day now makes me nervous to continue to do it again, if only because I worry that it won’t be as good the next time around. All I need to do now is actually thank her for the kind words because they have certainly meant a lot.

Other exciting things happening in my life include the consolidation of loans and the upcoming start of my graduate courses. I have no idea what to expect with the classes. I’ve been getting to know classmates through an online platform, and they all seem pretty amazing. Today, I conversed with a man who is part of the same program, and he shared his determination for a particular project that sounds exciting. It’s only a matter of days before the first course starts, and I hope it’s as good as I think it will be. As for the loans, I just feel even more like a grown up.

My Mind

I’m going to stray away from the theme of my blog for a moment and talk about something more personal. At this time, I’m sitting in my sort-of-room, eating almond M&Ms (my new favorite candy), and listening to the slow turning of the ceiling fan. My mom and her boyfriend are downstairs, and my sister, who occupies the room by mine, is at work, so the space around me is fairly quiet. However, my mind is not.

I usually value the alone time I have, especially when my job consists of talking to people all day. I get tired and want nothing more than to sleep once I get home. When my siblings hang out, there are times when I decide to just stay in because the idea of having to be social is exhausting. But lately, the thought of being alone is simply depressing.

I haven’t craved friendship while home in the past because I was only around temporarily, returning to Maine and college shortly. Now, though, I wish many times throughout my day that I could just stay at work because I know I’ll be around people that I’m beginning to enjoy the company of. I get there in the morning, and I see friendly faces. I ask them about their “weekends” or the night before, and they ask about mine. Conversation is limited, though, because we are always moving, trying our best to make the day of some random zoo visitor. Before I know it, the day is over, and we go our separate ways. I end up home most of the time, and I go straight to Facebook, simply because I have nowhere else to be. While that used to be nice, now I just find it sad.

I’m not writing this post to receive pity because, in the end, I’m putting myself in this position. I crave social interaction yet refuse to be social. I have the cell numbers of most of my co-workers yet never try to start a conversation or ask about hanging out. I complain instead, wanting someone to take the first step, so I don’t have to. But that’s not always fair. I do want friends. I want to be able to make plans to go to the movies or a baseball game or a bar or even just a walk in a park and not waste my life by sitting in my room. Unfortunately, my mind keeps me from doing this.

When I think about contacting someone, I don’t get very far. Before I can make a move, negative thoughts parade through my head: What if they don’t like you that much? What if you’re just annoying? What if they hang out with you only because they feel sorry for you? What if you embarrass yourself and have to live with the memory of it? What if they text you or message you just because they read this post and feel like they have to? Yes, I am a pessimist, and I am always thinking of the “what-ifs”. In the past, when I worked in places that gave me the opportunity to befriend co-workers, I worried less because we lived together, and they got to know me fairly quickly. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t because I was already comfortable. Even now, I am not the person at work that I am at home. I’m quiet, choosing not to share my sillier side for fear of what others might think. It makes it hard, which should be enough reason not to do so, but I can’t seem to help it.

I wrote this post because I don’t want to think that I’m the only one who does this: wish inside that someone would talk to her but fear the consequences of that happening. I also wrote it because I am the type of person that needs to write her feelings down in order to feel better. I can’t keep it bottled inside yet I can’t bring myself to talk about it. I’m 23 years old, an adult, and I should be able to manage social interactions with ease, but I must say that I am still learning and probably will continue to do so for quite a while longer.

Why Are You Here?

Throughout each science class today, we worked in the school garden, preparing it for the looming winter season. By the end of the day, I was tired but happy. It’s always exciting for me to work with students in a context outside of the normal classroom. During the last block of the day, students outside were getting restless and attempted to act foolishly, either by running around far too much, shoving each other, or kicking pine cones. Eventually, after they settled down, one boy looked at me and asked, “Miss Garcia, do you get paid enough for this?” I looked back and said, “I don’t get paid at all.”

Immediately after my response, the students appeared shocked. They all started asking me: “If you’re not paid, why are you here??” “Do you want me to get your car ready for you to go? (Implying that I probably didn’t want to stay and handle their behavior if I wasn’t even getting a penny for it.)” “Where do you get money?” “Are you jobless?”

No, I don’t like student teaching without any form of payment. It seems unfair to me, putting in 40 hours of work per week, not including time spent outside of the school day preparing lessons or writing reflections for my supervisor. But I didn’t think they wanted to hear me say all of that, so I explained that not getting paid was unfortunate but that I had been working a part-time job on the weekends to make some money. (Of course, that job ended for me on Saturday.) Finally, one student asked me if I was there because I enjoyed it. I admitted that I was there for that very reason.

Some things are worth the time and energy, even if there is no monetary gain attached. The time I have gotten to spend with students, getting to know them at a personal level and having the opportunity to engage them in my favorite subject, is priceless, for lack of a better cliche. I don’t know if they will fully understand that because why would a girl who has graduated college want to be somewhere working when she doesn’t get a paycheck? That’s a good question, but I have my reasons. One girl stated: “She’s here because she wants to be a teacher.” And that is absolutely correct.

Students then went off on tangents, talking about how they would be working at McDonald’s once they were old enough. They asked if I would ever work there, and I said my brother had but I wasn’t planning to. One boy admitted that he thought I looked like someone who would work there and get his order wrong every single time. I guess that answers the question.

I like where I am in my life right now. I don’t know that I would be happy any other place at this point in time. Would I like money for my work? Definitely. Do I need it to keep doing what I love? No. At least, not at the moment.

Part Time Jobs

As I progress through student teaching one day at a time, I recall what is written in the handbook for the experience, as designed by my college. It states that we are allowed to work an outside job only from the hours of 6 PM on Fridays to 6 PM on Sundays. I understand the reasoning, setting strict guidelines in an effort to keep us well-rested throughout the 15 weeks. However, it is becoming more and more evident to me that many teachers simply cannot do what they live for without working another job.

While back at home for the summer, I learned that one of my co-workers at Bath and Body Works was actually a primary education teacher, working at the mall in her spare time. I wondered how she could possibly find the time, between writing lesson plans, grading papers, and keeping parents up to date. And then I realized, she has no choice. What she probably makes as a teacher alone just isn’t enough. Time is a sacrifice she has to make, and I’m familiar with that. As I student teach now, I am not paid. It’s not unlike an internship. However, going through this process after graduating only makes it harder because I have to pay to live. At the moment, I am working at an ice cream store on the side. I follow the guidelines and make sure I don’t end up overworking myself. But how is it truly okay with the DOE to have teachers expending energy in multiple directions when they are supposedly most interested in having teachers prepare the youth of today for the challenges of tomorrow? It confuses and upsets me that a teacher can’t just be a teacher out of choice. S/he has to work even more hours during an already full week in order to have just enough. I don’t know that I will ever understand, and I do know that my complaining helps nothing. However, is there really as much awareness as there should be?