I went to bed last night on such a high note. I had found an apartment that not only spoke to me and made me feel at home, but also already existed in a welcoming community that offers free yoga, a tennis court, fitness room, and free movies to borrow for entertainment. (It also has a machine for loading money onto a card for laundry. That seriously got me. Why don’t all complexes have that, or at least change machines??) It’s also only minutes from my new work place. Why wouldn’t I be so excited? The simple answer is because I can never seem to prevent myself from finding reasons, excuses, to stress myself out. It’s like a bad habit that just keeps coming back. Even with the comforting reassurance from a friend I know and trust that I would be able to handle it all financially, I’m still stuck in this negative head space that keeps shouting at me about all the bad choices I am making.
With such a quick move and no way to avoid all of the fees, I had to buyout my last apartment using my credit card. That was an additional $1000 on top of my already combined $3000 existing from past important expenses (car issues, plane tickets, random bills at bad times of the month). Luckily, my credit limit was increased. (Yeah, in spite of my minimal income, I still managed to pay bills enough to maintain a good credit score.) However, the lingering bills are still haunting me, and I have been forced to wait on starting my new job due to a delayed background check (which has been finally completed as of this morning). I had an outrageous phone bill left behind from my issues with having to purchase a new device last month, and the cost of internet here is so much more than it was at my last home, it’s ridiculous! And as sure as I am that I will be able to pay my bills with my new income, I know the first of November will come, and I will only have worked for 2 weeks, leaving yet even more expenses to be put on a credit card. As helpful as they are, using them only makes me upset.
Why can I never seem to be happy with my choices for more than just a day, a moment? I’m tired of lying on social media, making all of these happy, go-lucky posts about how positive and optimistic I’m feeling when, in reality, it’s only in the moments I type those words that I feel that way. I want to be happy and proud of my choices, but I’m just not. I’m angry, frustrated, and I wish I could just live all by myself in a remote area where I have no responsibilities, no worries.
Reading all of my own words on this screen helps in a way. It forces me to realize how silly it all sounds, how unreasonable I’m making every situation. If I have to go without internet in my apartment for awhile, so be it. I already know of one space on the complex that has free WiFi, and I’ve lived in a home without it before. Yes, I will feel like I’m drowning for the first few weeks, and it’s probably only going to get more suffocating before everything clears, and I realize how lucky I actually am to be pursuing my passion in a place I already love. I’m definitely not the only person to have gone through this, and I have countless friends and family members who can attest to the fact that it is possible, that it all works out in the end.
To those who decided to read this, I appreciate you showing some sort of interest in my life, and I hope you don’t think it was a waste of your time. Whether we like it or not, I know I’m not the only one to have these thoughts and feelings. I just seem to have to put them out there to make them real and allow them to drift away. Keeping them inside only makes it worse.