Everyone is told to follow their heart, to trust in it because it sometimes knows you better than you know yourself. I ignored mine and ended up hurting someone in the process. Surrounded by friends and family who are in loving and committed relationships, I felt like I needed to be in one, too. I became his friend and rushed into what I thought would be something fun for awhile, but I realized quickly that I had made these decisions for all the wrong reasons. I couldn’t even bring myself to give it a chance because I already found myself crying when he wasn’t looking, afraid that I would somehow end up so far into it that I would have no way of getting out. So I ended it before I could do more damage.
Some have told me that I should have tried more, that I didn’t let it last long enough to know if it would become something better. But those who have given me that advice don’t know what my heart was telling me. When I finally decided to listen, I realized that I had already given it to someone else, that I’m in love with someone I can’t be with. Who knows why this happens, why we sometimes let ourselves become caught up in situations that don’t actually make any sense. I don’t know how it happened, but I know that it did.
I’ve been seeing this person for around 6 months, on and off in the form of a casual relationship. I have no idea if he sees other girls because I’ve never asked. He’s a ridiculously busy person, working 5 AM to 1 AM right now, finishing projects for his company and getting caught up on ones that are past the deadline. We don’t always talk, but I know that he’s always there. I saw him tonight, and I almost left crying, but he stopped me to ask what was wrong. I told him how work has been crappy, that I made a mistake and hurt someone, and that I stress and freak out over these situations when he’s in a far worse position and somehow manages to keep a level head. He told me that he just focuses on the fact that nothing we do is ever the end of the world. It always has a way of working itself out. He hugged me until I could breathe again, and I left.
It’s clear to me that neither of us is in a position to be in a committed relationship, both of us busy with jobs and dealing with our own mental health issues, but it somehow is enough to know that I can see him and talk to him, that he actually cares about me, even if it’s not in the way one would expect. What I thought I wanted is not what I need, and I know that now. He tells me that I deserve someone who will treat me well, someone better. When I told him I was in a relationship, he said to focus on making that work and not waste time thinking about him. But I couldn’t. Again, some will tell me I’m wrong. That I should have tried harder to make that relationship work, but I couldn’t be with someone knowing I’d never be able to see him again.
Perhaps when the day comes that brings me to a new place, with a new job and new friends, I’ll finally be able to move on. But for now, I can only take one day at a time, and I can acknowledge the fact that I have listened to my heart, and I will continue to do so.